The Cemetery

I went to the cemetery today (Memorial Day). Only one other car was there. It was Janice Carmody. She was wandering around looking at the grave sites. I parked and wandered too. It was a little strange to be there in memory of Mom, partly because Mom isn't really there, and partly because she didn't like going to the cemetery anyway.
The reason I was really there and loved it so much is because it is so a part of my history and memories of Gramma Cora. She would take us there lots and especially on Memorial Day. We would take lilacs to the graves and then wander around reading the headstones and asking who they were and how they were related to us. She would tell us stories and it was really a family history lesson and a way for her to pass on to us her memories of family and this valley we call home. I have such wonderful fond memories of it all. It is really one of the most beautiful places to me. There were cows across the fence grazing and bawling at each other. It made me feel so at home, like I belonged there again. Janice and I talked for a little bit. I hadn't realized that Amelia Johns had died this year also. She had no children of her own. She had two niece that she had adopted as adults after there mother died. She gave all she had to them.
The wind was picking up and there were black clouds. I decided to leave, but so wanted to just stay and wander through our historical community. I had passed Charles Armstrong's grave. He was always our bus driver when I was in school. Then I started thinking about how Gramma didn't just tell us about our family but people all over the community. She knew them and they came alive to me through her telling.
We had gone to church yesterday at the Cardwell Community Church. Every time I go there I feel like I have gone home. People from my growing up years sit in many of the pews. Lots of Mom's friends. Some of my class mates and there kids. Some who went to school with my older siblings. It is like old home week and I love it. I am always amazed by there spiritual walk and how as a kid I never even new about it or assumed they had no relationship with the Lord. I would love to hear each of there stories of faith. What brought them to Christ and how they have grown.
I think being in the Cardwell community off and on is my healing process. Not only in grieving Mom, but the loss of our ranch house and my life there. A life where I was nurtured by so many. It is not that God hasn't continued to nurture me through other people, but going back to my roots, somehow is very different. It settles me and gives some kind of stability I can't explain in words.
I left the cemetery hungry for more, but they always say it is better to leave wanting more than to wish you could leave sooner. I can't wait for summer and a chance to go back. I am anxious for family reunion and HOME.

Ice cream and Memories

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I was asked a few days before, how I felt going into Mother's Day. I said I wasn't sure. I wasn't focusing on it and was thinking about time with my own kids. I knew it was probably in the back of my mind and wasn't sure what Sunday would bring.
We went to church that morning with me feeling fine. We were late for church and sat in a spot we don't usually sit. From two rows behind a friend tapped on my shoulder and gave me a card.
This friend lost her little boy about 8 years ago. He was Rebekah's age. We were there when he died in the hospital and have seen them walk a difficult, but amazing path. God has used them many times to come alongside others in their grief. It was no different with me. She had come with drinks and goodies from Starbucks one day when Mom was in the hospital. We had tears and hugs in the rehab living room as she came beside me in my pain and remembered hers.
Yesterday, as I sat in the pew, I knew the card was about my Mom. I discreetly opened it and read this: Lady Di, Thinking of you and your sweet Mom today. Thought you could enjoy some ice cream and share all the things that you all loved about your Mom/Grandma. We love you, The McGowan's. Inside was a gift card to Cold Stone creamery for our family.
Instantly, my eyes were filled with tears. I wept freely. For someone outside my family to recognize and remember my grief was overwhelming. A flood of sadness and joy at the same time swept over me.
After church, my friend Carla came with a card that said this: Di, I've been thinking of you with Mother's Day approaching. I'm sure today will be filled with mixed emotions as your family celebrates the mother you are. Yet, you'll be thinking of your Mom. My prayer is that today will be filled with fond memories and the realization that you are the mother you are in large part because of her. Love CW
Again tears and many more off and on through the day.
That evening we went to Cold Stone and shared ice cream. We shared our memories of Mom. Luke misses her cinnamon rolls, all the kids miss cooking with her and Rebekah reminded of us her great stories. Pete said no one calls him Peterkins anymore or thinks he walks on water. Both those made me laugh out loud. They are both so true and two reasons I love Mom so much. She made up sweet names for so many people and she had my husband up on a very high pedestal. We knew Mom would have loved being with us, sharing ice cream and remembering someone we love.
I sat in my big chair in my bedroom that night weeping and saying to Pete," I didn't think this day would be so hard." He said, "Why not?" I don't really know. Somehow it seems like it should be getting easier. It isn't. Some days it is actually harder. What I loved about this day was there was no memories of her illness. In the beginning, I thought I would never have any memories of anything but her illness ever again. Sometimes those memories are present and very vivid, but at least now there are days when all I think of is the wonderful memories of her life before the stroke. There are many more smiles amongst the tears.
I still ache some days just wanting to hold her and hear her voice and smell her wonderful smell. In those times, the ever present hope of being with her again holds me up and moves me forward to love others the way she loved me.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love you and can't wait to see you. Hugs from me.