Luke Wilbur Joy

I took a walk with Luke the other day near our house. We walked the trail while throwing a raquetball back and forth. We stopped at the river to skip rocks and played in a big ditch with snow but no water. It was really fun. He loves the outdoors and is so creative that it is always a delight to go for walks with him.
One of my favorite things about Luke is how he always asks so many questions. He absorbs everything that is going on around him and then asks lots of questions. He wants to know alot about death and heaven. We have had some great discussions about that. He thinks alot about growing up and having a family and how he will provide for them and take care of them. I am so glad he has a great example in that.

Emily Chrystal Joy

Our first born and the one who I always seem to think is older than she really is until I look back and realize how small she really was, is growing up. Emily is a freshman in high school this year. I have to adjust my thinking many times to accomodate the need for greater responsibility and independence in her life. She can do her own laundry and could figure out most recipes if she needed to. She is organized most of the time and a great student. She is fun and loving and a wonderful big sister. She loves to babysit and makes good money doing it. At this point she would like to be a teacher. She is a wonderful gymnast and loves school and her friends.

This year I have enjoyed her improvements on the french horn and wish she liked performing, so we could share her talents. She really would prefer to be as far away from the center of attention as possible.

I have also enjoyed over the years, her finding her own taste in clothes and hair and love her beautiful, modest ways.

She is definitely the saver among the kids. She rarely wants to spend her money, but would spend ours any day. She shops mostly sales and usually clearance.

She reminds me of me in high school, with her never ending appetite. With about 16 hours a weeek in the gym, I will feed her as much as she likes. One of her favorite things is hard roll and salami.

What a treat she is to have around. She is around less and less all the time with a busy schedule and I am coming to realize how fast these 4 years will fly by. We will savor each moment.

One thing I particularly enjoy is when she still wants me to lay with her at night and sing or just talk. I hope she always wants to do that. That was one of my favorite things about Mom and so it is equally special with Emily.

Rebekah Mazie Marie Joy

In about a week and a half Rebekah will turn 11. This is her school picture. I just love it and she does too. Before Rebekah was born, Emily was a part of our discussions about what we should name the baby. Mazie was one of our options. When Rebekah was born and we were trying to pick from the 2 or 3 that we had narrowed it down to, Emily was adamant that her name would be Mazie. We decided on Rebekah which did not set well with Emily. We told her it could be part of her middle name. We didn't put it on her birth certificate, but now I wish we had. Rebekah also includes it as part of her middle name and I love that.
Rebekah is so dear to my heart. She is quick with a hug and an I Love You. She like to be sung to at bedtime and many times just wants one extra hug. She loves her brother and sister very much, but is quite a tease. I think she gets that from her Aunt CarolAnn. They both get that same gleam in their eye.
Rebekah loves sports. She enjoys every edition of Sports Illustrated kids that comes to our door. She soaks up Griz football when she gets a chance and would be watching Monday night football every week if we had TV. She is currently swimming and playing basketball and couldn't be happier with both.
She is a avid reader and an earlier riser which suits her fine. She wakes up around 6am many times and reads till 6:45 or 7 before getting ready for school.
I love that she has her own wonderful stlye like no one else and does not care if others at school think it is not cool. She wears sweats and slippers most of the time. She will wears jeans on occasion and a dress only if she has to. She does have a few dresses that she has actually liked. This picture of her is somewhat rare. She doesn't usually wear her hair down. Although I love it when she does. It is usually up in a pony tail with a head band. She is the cutest darn girl.
Some of the things I never want to forget from this age is how her hands are always so soft. How she smells good. How she is comfortable in her skin. How she has come out of her shell after being so incredibly shy. She is learning everyday to overcome that. She has had some wonderful teachers who have helped with that. How she is so very artistic and creative. She made a snowman ornament the other day out of clay that was so cute. She is smart as a whip and seems to know it. This only becomes a problem when she doesn't see the value in slowing down and checking her work. Her teacher lovingly calls her T.A. which stands for teetering A. This means she gets all A's but is always on the edge, because it's more fun to be the first done that to apply some discipline to the situation. We will work on that one.
I love you Rebekah. You add great joy to my life. You challenge me to think outside the box and to truly think about what is important. You help me have fun and relax.
Oh I almost forgot. She is also a budding pianist and percussionist. I love listening to her.
Happy Birthday Rebekah!!! You have been looking forward to 11 so you can go to babysitting camp this summer. It is closer than you think. Love MOM

My Dad

Today is Dad's birthday!! He is 82. What a wonderful man. When I think of Dad, I think of tender sweetness. He loves me so much and his love is full of tenderness. He has always wanted the very best for me. He always lets me know he is proud of me and that means so much. He is a hard worker.
In recent months I have been able to spend more time with him. Even though it has been because of health issues, I love when he comes and just being with him. It has made me appreciate him more and more. What a gift God gave me in allowing me time with Dad. Happy Birthday Dad. I Love You

LOVE

I just love how my kids love each other. A friend once commented on how my kids hugged each other before going to bed when they stayed with her. It was unprompted and surprised her because her kids do not do that. I guess I just take it for granted because we always say prayers and then hug each other before heading off to our beds.
This fall has been very busy and with Emily having moved downstairs and being gone alot after school and evenings, the kids don't always have that connection time after school that they used to have. The other day Emily was home after school unexpectedly and she and Rebekah were immediately in each others arms, hugging and talking like they had not seen each other in ages. Then Emily went to Luke and the same hugging and connecting. I loved just sitting back and watching the interaction. I love that they love each other and miss each other so much. I don't have to force any affection between them. It is something I think Christ has produced in them. I know it is a gift because not all siblings have that. As a mother I cherish it so much. I hope they will work on making it last a lifetime. There will be challenges to it I am sure, but I will encourage it of course and we talk about how friends may come and go but our siblings are forever, so we need to treat each other right and love each other deeply. What a blessing my kids are.

Tear Soup

Today I came across a book I love. I bought it when some friends of ours lost their little boy. It was a horrible time. I could read the book and imagine, but now as I read the book again I really understand and feel it deep in my soul.
The book is called Tear Soup - A Recipe For Healing After Loss. It is written and illustrated to look like a childrens book, but it is for anyone really and many kids might not really get it, unless they were working through their own grief of course.
I can't believe it has been a year since Mom had her stroke. In three weeks it will be a year since she died. I feel like it was just yesterday. Sometimes it feels like she must just be on vacation and is coming home soon.
On the first day of school I was wondering if Donna Loomis thought about Mom. I missed Mom's usual call to see how the first day went.
After we spent the weekend emptying Mom's house, it took me a week to get out of the funk I was in. Lots of tears all over again and the ache in my heart as fresh as if it were the day she died. Grief takes so long. I don't think it really ever ends. At least not until we see her again. Some people have so much grief. Sometimes I wonder how they get through each day with so much grief. Only God is able to equip us with what we need. 2 Corinthians 1:3 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Our grief is not our own. God uses it to help others. That knowledge is a comfort. Our loss and sadness and pain are not for nothing. God uses good and bad, joy and suffering, to bring glory to himself and to bless someone else. God has used so many other peoples grief to help me. It is amazing. I pray he has and will use my grief to help someone else. I know he used Mom in that way many times in her life. So many people were blessed by her hardship and grief.

Another Beginning

Today was a another beginning once again. I sent the kids off to school, which is always hard for me. Sometimes I am surprised I don't homeschool, but then again I don't think I would like that either. I cry everytime I send my kids off on the bus. It is especially poignant today because I sent Emily off to highschool. It is another step in letting go. I have sent lots of prayers up this morning for my kids and for the teachers who will also have their own anxieties today.
All that being said. I do enjoy my quiet house during the day and the chance to catch up on some tasks and do some canning.
God is good as he leads us through each new step and release of our kids. Deep breath and move on!! Today the verse God helped me with is Phillipians 4:19 "God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

PFAT

Today Rebekah and I leave for a couple days away. Each of our kids get a few days away with Mom (the girls) and Dad (Luke) when they turn 10. We listen to Dr. Dobson's tapes call Preparing for Adolescents. Emily likes to call it our PFAT ( pronounced pee fat) trip. Anyway, I love this trip. If for no other reason than that I get 2 1/2 days away one on one with my kids. I love that it has started an openness with Emily, and hopefully the others that lets them feel a little more comforable about sharing their thoughts and questions. We listen to tapes on the way to Spokane and then spent 2 days there doing whatever they want and having a blast. On the return trip we again listen to tapes. It is hard to believe that Rebekah is at this age already. She had been looking forward to this trip for 4 years, ever since Emily went. Emily is very excited for Rebekah and can hardly stand not to tell her all the fun things we should do. Anyway, anyone is reading this today, pray for us. Pray we have good open communication, loads of fun together making memories, and a closer relationship with each other and the Lord.
Luke says when he gets to go on his trip, he and Pete are going to New Jersey. I have no idea what is appealing about New Jersey. I told him, if they need that long to figure it out they can certainly go to New Jersey. We will see what he and Pete decided in two short years. :)
Bye for now - off on an adventure!!

Family

We had such a great time this weekend at family reunion. What a great family I have.
Even though it makes me feel a little old, I love watching my niece's and nephews with all their small children. I can't believe it really. I feel like that was just yesterday and yet Emily will start high school in the fall.
There was a part of me that remembered the exhaustion of following a toddler around and never really sitting for any length of time. That made me glad to be past that stage. At the same time I was thinking how much fun it is to see the world through the eyes of that same toddler. How fun it is to nap with them and cuddle with them.
It goes by so quickly. In no time at all, they are very independent and you are trying to treasure every hug or cuddle you get as they are fewer and shorter.
I am blessed though. My kids are very huggy and snugly. They still love to cuddle up on the couch and be read to, or read to me. They sometimes still want to crawl in my bed and sometimes I can't resist.
Anyway, I loved the perspective I got watching my niece's and nephews going through this wonderful, amazing stage.
I also enjoyed being with my siblings and spouses. Kerry and I got to play tennis one morning and it was such a beautiful morning for a game. It was overcast but warm and fun just conversing with him. There is never enough time with just my siblings. Little bits of conversation here and there amongst time with our own kids and grand kids. I take whatever I can get.
It is always good to be with Dad. I want to treasure every chance to be near him.
I also treasure my cousins and Uncle Gayle and Aunt Kathy. I am so glad they joined in all the fun.

The ranch itself is a treasure for all of us. The pond and the sandpit, the shaded yard and Gramma's house. Nancy does a wonderful job welcoming us all and with such grace and hospitality. I could learn a lot from her.
I am so thankful for the family God gave me. We all have our quirks and faults, but love really does cover it all. Thank you Lord for providing such a loving place to call home and family.

PS I also have to say that I love how my brothers and sisters (and their spouses as much or more) take care of me and dote on me. Never stop doing that OK :)

Summer Happenings

This was Rebekah's first meet in a 50 meter pool. It was a lot of fun to watch her. She did a great job.

These are pictures of Father's Day and the kids giving Pete their cards. Rebekah had lost the one she made at school, so she was doing it verbally. She got a little embarrassed.

This is Emily's 14th birthday. I can't believe I have a highschooler. She is so much fun.

Precious gifts of the Holy Spirit

This morning I woke up and had a little time in the Word before starting the day. I was reading in Ephesians and then was spending some time in prayer. My mind went to the thoughts of the day. It was going to be an extremely hectic time between 8:30 and 12:30. I had 3 extra kids and they and my own kids had pick ups and drop offs all morning. I immediately sensed that this was one of those times when I could become really cranky with everyone around me if they did not cooperate with the "finely tuned" schedule. If anyone dawdled or disobeyed someone would be late. God immediately brought my thoughts around to Galatians 5:22-
The passage on the fruit of the Spirit. I read it over and thought about how if I asked the Holy Spirit to make its work evident in my life today, then I would not act as I naturally would. That being grumpy, impatient, unlovely, anxious, short, etc. I prayed and gave it all to God. He worked a big miracle in my life and the atmosphere of our car and schedule today. He produced love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. When Jesus left his Holy Spirit with us when He went back to heaven, he left us an unprecedented gift.
Today we were early for every place we had to go. I was prepared with food in the car for lunch and snacks and dinner was in the crock pot at home. The kids were pretty well behaved and when there was disputes, there was no yelling from me ( that is only by the Holy Spirits power). We even fit in a hike in the afternoon and everyone went to bed with a snuggle. It is a most fun adventure walking with the Lord. Thank you Holy Spirit for your presence. You are an amazing God. Let's do it again tomorrow, one step at a time.

The Cemetery

I went to the cemetery today (Memorial Day). Only one other car was there. It was Janice Carmody. She was wandering around looking at the grave sites. I parked and wandered too. It was a little strange to be there in memory of Mom, partly because Mom isn't really there, and partly because she didn't like going to the cemetery anyway.
The reason I was really there and loved it so much is because it is so a part of my history and memories of Gramma Cora. She would take us there lots and especially on Memorial Day. We would take lilacs to the graves and then wander around reading the headstones and asking who they were and how they were related to us. She would tell us stories and it was really a family history lesson and a way for her to pass on to us her memories of family and this valley we call home. I have such wonderful fond memories of it all. It is really one of the most beautiful places to me. There were cows across the fence grazing and bawling at each other. It made me feel so at home, like I belonged there again. Janice and I talked for a little bit. I hadn't realized that Amelia Johns had died this year also. She had no children of her own. She had two niece that she had adopted as adults after there mother died. She gave all she had to them.
The wind was picking up and there were black clouds. I decided to leave, but so wanted to just stay and wander through our historical community. I had passed Charles Armstrong's grave. He was always our bus driver when I was in school. Then I started thinking about how Gramma didn't just tell us about our family but people all over the community. She knew them and they came alive to me through her telling.
We had gone to church yesterday at the Cardwell Community Church. Every time I go there I feel like I have gone home. People from my growing up years sit in many of the pews. Lots of Mom's friends. Some of my class mates and there kids. Some who went to school with my older siblings. It is like old home week and I love it. I am always amazed by there spiritual walk and how as a kid I never even new about it or assumed they had no relationship with the Lord. I would love to hear each of there stories of faith. What brought them to Christ and how they have grown.
I think being in the Cardwell community off and on is my healing process. Not only in grieving Mom, but the loss of our ranch house and my life there. A life where I was nurtured by so many. It is not that God hasn't continued to nurture me through other people, but going back to my roots, somehow is very different. It settles me and gives some kind of stability I can't explain in words.
I left the cemetery hungry for more, but they always say it is better to leave wanting more than to wish you could leave sooner. I can't wait for summer and a chance to go back. I am anxious for family reunion and HOME.

Ice cream and Memories

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I was asked a few days before, how I felt going into Mother's Day. I said I wasn't sure. I wasn't focusing on it and was thinking about time with my own kids. I knew it was probably in the back of my mind and wasn't sure what Sunday would bring.
We went to church that morning with me feeling fine. We were late for church and sat in a spot we don't usually sit. From two rows behind a friend tapped on my shoulder and gave me a card.
This friend lost her little boy about 8 years ago. He was Rebekah's age. We were there when he died in the hospital and have seen them walk a difficult, but amazing path. God has used them many times to come alongside others in their grief. It was no different with me. She had come with drinks and goodies from Starbucks one day when Mom was in the hospital. We had tears and hugs in the rehab living room as she came beside me in my pain and remembered hers.
Yesterday, as I sat in the pew, I knew the card was about my Mom. I discreetly opened it and read this: Lady Di, Thinking of you and your sweet Mom today. Thought you could enjoy some ice cream and share all the things that you all loved about your Mom/Grandma. We love you, The McGowan's. Inside was a gift card to Cold Stone creamery for our family.
Instantly, my eyes were filled with tears. I wept freely. For someone outside my family to recognize and remember my grief was overwhelming. A flood of sadness and joy at the same time swept over me.
After church, my friend Carla came with a card that said this: Di, I've been thinking of you with Mother's Day approaching. I'm sure today will be filled with mixed emotions as your family celebrates the mother you are. Yet, you'll be thinking of your Mom. My prayer is that today will be filled with fond memories and the realization that you are the mother you are in large part because of her. Love CW
Again tears and many more off and on through the day.
That evening we went to Cold Stone and shared ice cream. We shared our memories of Mom. Luke misses her cinnamon rolls, all the kids miss cooking with her and Rebekah reminded of us her great stories. Pete said no one calls him Peterkins anymore or thinks he walks on water. Both those made me laugh out loud. They are both so true and two reasons I love Mom so much. She made up sweet names for so many people and she had my husband up on a very high pedestal. We knew Mom would have loved being with us, sharing ice cream and remembering someone we love.
I sat in my big chair in my bedroom that night weeping and saying to Pete," I didn't think this day would be so hard." He said, "Why not?" I don't really know. Somehow it seems like it should be getting easier. It isn't. Some days it is actually harder. What I loved about this day was there was no memories of her illness. In the beginning, I thought I would never have any memories of anything but her illness ever again. Sometimes those memories are present and very vivid, but at least now there are days when all I think of is the wonderful memories of her life before the stroke. There are many more smiles amongst the tears.
I still ache some days just wanting to hold her and hear her voice and smell her wonderful smell. In those times, the ever present hope of being with her again holds me up and moves me forward to love others the way she loved me.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love you and can't wait to see you. Hugs from me.

Building vs Tearing down

I've been having a bad attitude. Some days life doesn't seen fair. It is tempting to take it out on others. It is not even consciously that I do it but done none the less. God used these verses to convict me. Ephesians 4:29-32 "Do not let any unwholesome (rotten) talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
It is easy to tell these words to my kids, but not so easy to take them to my own heart. I pray God always stops me even if it is in mid sentence if my words to my kids or others is unwholesome, or tears them down. It does grieve the Holy Spirit when we do this. What is wonderful is this. He is able to do more than we ask or imagine, so if I will humble myself, He will help me do this very thing, to build up others to their benefit and be kind and compassionate. Praise be to God, it is not in my own power, but His.

Joy

. I don't know what to write tonight. I am overcome with sadness like I felt when Mom first left. My heart aches for her voice and her touch and her smell. I desire everything tangible about her. The tears come and come. Not is sobbing, but an unending flow down my face.
It is unexplainable how on a day like today, where God is taking care of my needs in a tangible way, that it seems I miss Mom all the more. Is it because I would have shared with her how God provided in the moment by moment of my day? Is it because she herself provided so much day to day while she was here and His provision brings that back to my memory all the more? I can not tell. All I know is that He is my provision, my life, my sustenance, my comfort in this storm that shakes me to the core at times. Without Him there would be no hope. Her life and death would have seemed pointless. How can anyone deny God's existence, Christ's love and sacrifice, His grace to us. I am overcome by His great love for me. It brings great peace and joy mixed with the incredible sorrow. It brings a smile to my tear streaked face.
I believe true joy is quite visibly peace and contentment in the midst of great sorrow

Germany

We got to Frankfurt yesterday about 10:00 yesterday.  The flight was very long, but a fun new experience for the kids.  We had a short nap on the ride to Don and Sue's house and then stayed up the rest of the day so we could sleep that night.  We went into town(Bamberg) today.  The church in town celebrated it's 1000th birthday in 2008.  What an amazing town.  We took in the sights and had great food and ice cream afterward.  We are learning a little German.  Let me emphasize little.  We are loving our time with Don and Sue.  They are such a great family and very accomodating to us.  We will go to Salzburg tomorrow.  The kids are at the park with Sue right now.  They have some great parks here on post.  The one they are at has a zip line and a cool curvy slide.  It is good the kids keep busy today.  They are a bit jet lagged.  Luke wanted to go back to bed this morning as we were getting ready to leave.  He said, "I just want to take a nap."  He ought to sleep good tonight.  Sue went to the bakery and brought home Brochen(sp?) which means bread or rolls.  We had them for breakfast with salami and ham and scrambled eggs.  I love the food here.   More later....... 

Thoughts

Only one week until we leave for Germany.  This weekend I started to get a little anxious about the whole thing.  My kids can always sense that.  Partly because I am more cross.  We had a family meeting last night and talked about our excitement and our anxieties.  Mine are about airports and changing planes and passports, those details.  Rebekah is nervous about flying over the ocean.  Emily isn't really nervous about anything,  she is excited to get going.   Luke has a little anxiety about the flight too, but I think mostly just has a lot of unknowns and likes to talk them through.  Pete just sits back and smiles.  Flying every week does take the newness out of it all.  

Just a note about Luke's wrestling season.  He had gone to his intersquad meet that we blogged on earlier.  Then for 2 weeks he was sick and missed lots of practices and 2 meets.  Finally he got in on the last meet of the season.  It was a big meet.   The top four placers got to go to the state meet in Ronan.  He was excited to wrestle.  His first match he pinned the guy and we were all excited.  One of his goals had been to pin someone.  His next match almost brought me to tears and I get teary now almost every time I talk about it.  He wrestled a guy who was much more experienced than Luke.  It would probably have been better if Luke had been pinned quickly.  That was not to be.  The guy had him in some holds that left Luke helpless, other than to strain enough to keep from being pinned.  It was a long 3 minutes and when Luke lost, he was very polite.  He shook hands with the guy and his coach.  Then went back to the stands where the wrestlers were sitting.  Pete found him with his head in his hands.  When he saw Pete he started to cry.  they talked a little bit and then they came past us to go to the bathrooms.  I called him up to encourage him, but that brought more tears.  I could hardly hold it in.  My friend Michelle was teary.   He went off to gather himself together after hugs and went on to win two of his next 3 matches.  He didn't get to go to State, but learned many life lessons that day.  We all did.  I think lessons that are hard are good.  They are like rights of passage in our lives.  Luke did well and we are proud of him. 

Lullabies

I was just upstairs singing to Emily. I have always sung to my kids at night. I used to be much more consistent about it and Luke probably gets less singing than the rest, but he makes up for it in snuggle time. Anyway, there have been certain songs that I sing all the time. I throw in others but there are three or four that are pretty consistent. It is interesting because each of the kids has a favorite and even though I sing others, if they request I sing to them, they want their chosen favorite. When Emily was very little, I had a cassette that had this lullaby on it. All the kids love it but this is her favorite. The words are as follows.

The stars are out, the moon is out. It's time to go to bed. I'm so glad you have a place to lay your little head. Have a deep and peaceful sleep. Dream away the hours. When you wake the sun will come and smile upon the flowers. Go to sleep my little one, beneath the evening stars. You will always have a friend no matter where you are.

I always tell my kids, that friend is Jesus and he will be with you no matter where you are.
Rebekah's favorite is You are My Sunshine.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night dear as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke dear I was mistaken and I hung my head and I cried. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

Luke's favorite is a song a nurse taught him as he was waiting to have his hand stitched in the emergency room when he was 3 or 4. It goes like this.

I see the moon and the moon sees me, down through the shade of the old oak tree. Please let the moon that shines on me, shine on the one I love. Over the mountains, over the seas, that's where my heart is longing to be. Please let the moon that shines on me, shine on the one I love.

I always end by singing them this little tune.

I love you Luke/Emily/Rebekah, oh yes I do. I love you Luke, yes that is true. When I'm without you, I'm blue. Oh Luke, I love you.

Sometimes I add in a different color for blue, just for fun. They think that is pretty funny.
It makes me think of all the times Mom sang to me. She was wonderful about that. I wish I had a recording of it. I could use some of her singing about now. I can't wait to have her sing to me in heaven. Just think of the lullabies God has taught Mom since she got there. I bet they are amazing beyond words.

Misc. thoughts

I was reading Terra's blog and was reminded that Kate and I share a birthday. I love that. I had a friend in grade school that had the same birthday as me. We celebrated sometimes together. I hope she had a great day. I remember when my kids turned 5 it seemed so big. That was always an emotional birthday for me.
Tonight the Whitehall girls team stopped in Missoula to eat dinner on their way to Hamilton for the state tournament. Emily and I got to stop by and see the girls, and take them some goodie bags. It was really fun. I am very excited to see them play tomorrow.
Emily also has gymnastics meet in Hamilton on Saturday, so we will be able to catch all the action. I will post a little video of Emily's gymnastics. I am so proud of her.
Rebekah has been doing some indoor soccer practices in prep for spring soccer. She just loves it. It is a group of boys and girls her age that practice together. She leaves practice red faced and happy every week. I will post some soccer footage this spring.

HOMEBODY

I am not typically what I would call a homebody. I can only stand about one day a week at home all day. I love that one day, but then I feel like I have to get out and see people and do something. The older I get though, I am enjoying those days at home more and more.
Since Mom's death I have found it even more needed. Sometimes I need to just grieve or cry, other times I just need the whole day to engage my brain with what needs to be done around the house. I find being there without interuption helps me process whatever is going on in my life. Today I spent the day at home in my pajamas. I happened to read Terra's blog and had to laugh. Even after your kids are older and at school all day, there are days when it is just good to stay home in your PJ's. My kids will be home in an hour and the real busyness of the day will start. I will get dressed and they will never be the wiser. Not that they would care. They love a good pajama day themselves.
Maybe it is because our craziest part of the day starts at 4 and goes till 10, that I feel a need for a day at home in the quiet. Just me and my Lord and being able to listen to His still small voice. Try it if you can. You might like it.

Luke's first wrestling match

Now the rest of the story..... Luke had his first wrestling match today. It was really fun and he enjoyed it. No tears and he won both his matches. I know, he will eventually lose more than once and we might have tears but it was good to start on a positive note. I realized quickly though that Emily will probably always be the videographer because I move around to much during wrestling matches. Even ones that involve 8 year olds.

Wrestling

I am a big fan of wrestling. I am not a fan of WWF wrestling. I like high school wrestling. Pete was a wrestler and I loved watching him. My brother Ken was a wrestler too and I have a few memories of that time. Tonight my baby boy Luke went to his first wrestling practice. He is eight. I have mixed emotions about eight year olds wrestling. I have been to enough Little Guy wrestling to see lots of little boys crying as they come off the mat. No mother wants to see his boy crying, but we must give it a whirl.
It was nothing but pure joy talking to him after practice tonight. He had to tell it all, and then every few minutes adding more detail or something he had forgotten. Everything from the team t shirts, to the wrestling shoes, to the warmup and slapping yourself all over to get ready. Then about practicing your stance and when the meets will be and if you win you get to go to Polson to wrestle. All the while a smile and tired contentment. Even drifting off to sleep adding one more tidbit as not to forget a single thing. I laughed and smiled and felt peaceful and proud inside. Ask me next weekend after his first meet how I feel inside. When the rubber hits the road, or might we say, the shoes hit the mat, the truth will be told of a mothers feeling about her little boy wrestling. Really, I can't wait. I am almost as excited as Luke and I will probably be more likely to cry than him. To be continued.....

We had such a good time for Luke's birthday. Our good friends the Flores' and the Klaudts were with us to celebrate. We went swimming, then back to the house for tacos, a treasure hunt and cake, then watched Horton Hears a Who. We ended about 10pm with Luke having a melt down from "too much birthday". He was asleep almost immediately upon his head hitting the pillow. He had a wonderful time.

Luke's Birthday

Ping Pong

Tonight we were playing ping pong, or table tennis, if you want to be technical about it. We have the table that Pete and his brothers grew up using. The kids used it quite a bit at first and then it kind of stood in the corner.
In the last week or so it has made a resurgence and the kids have enjoyed challenging each other and us (Pete and I).
Tonight I was playing Luke. We were not keeping score. We were just trying to see how many times we could get it back and forth without it hitting the ground. Our highest was 25. Then I played Rebekah a game and also Pete. It was a hoot and just plain fun.
It brought back memories of my cousins that I love so much. They had this big house with a huge living room. There was plenty of room to run around the table and play a game of around the world. Everyone would line up on both sides of the table. The person who served would hit the ball and run to the end of the line on the other side of the table. The receiving person would hit it back and run to the opposite line. When someone got out, the rest would continue until only two were left. This was the most challenging and fun part. You still had to run around the table receiving the ball and hitting it back. It was quite crazy and tiring, but I don't remember anyone getting hurt too badly and we loved it. There is a whole lot of love surrounding those memories. We enjoyed each other so much and loved challenging each other as much as possible. I hope our kids and their cousins have a chance to do that together, whether it is with ping pong of some other fun game. I hope they enjoy each other immensely and challenge each other in numerous ways. That they laugh and get tired and sweaty and make wonderful memories. Di

Nursing

This afternoon I got to rock my God daughter Maria. I rocked her while I fed her a bottle before her nap. She will be 2 in March and she is delightful. Almost everyday we spend some time together and it is like having another child without having to ever be the disciplinarian. It must be what it is like to be a Grandma.
Anyway, as I sat rocking her, I rested my head back on the chair and closed my eyes, feeling drowsy. Instantly, I was taken back to a time that seems longer ago than I wish to think. I remembered nursing my own babies and as they nursed, feeling so sleepy and comfortable. It was one of my very favorite times. I would feel many times as if I couldn't even keep my eyes open if I tried. I think it was a gift from God to a sleep deprived mama. He made our bodies so incredible. I love that we have those memories to cherish. The actual events pass much too quickly.

Today is Wednesday. It is a day in my week where I have the opportunity to meet with people one on one in the context of studying God's work and just being in relationship with others and sharing our lives together.

Sometimes I go into this day with expectations about what will be accomplished or what I or others will learn. Other times I am just happy to be with these women and sharing coffee or tea and a good chat. Usually God has something altogether different in mind than I expected. I come away feeling so blessed and thankful to God for putting women in my life who encourage me and love me right where I am. God has always done this for me. I can look back through all of my life and think of women God sent to influence me.

Yesterday was CarolAnn's (my sister) birthday. I had talked to her on the phone and then was reminded how many times God has used my sisters in my life to impart wisdom, truth, encouragement, love, and fun. They are an incredible blessing to me especially during this time of grief. Sometimes in my life I wished I was closer in age to my sisters, but during this time I believe I am the one who is blessed. Their age somehow draws me to them and comforts me in a way that, although it can never replace Mom, helps me in ways I can't even describe. I am truly blessed. Thank you Lord for the gift of others who love you, and thank you for how you use them to care for me. Good night.

Comfort

I was scrolling through pictures today and came across this one. Emily is digging a grave for her bunny. This was not to long after Mom had died and I had stayed in the house and let Pete take care of the issue because we had already been through the tears of the initial death, and I was not able (or so I thought) to handle even one more small bit of sadness. As I looked out the window though, the thoughts started to flood my mind. What was this like for Emily? Was she glad to be a part of this part of the process? Was it therapeutic for her in terms of dealing with the loss of not only her bunny, but her Gramma. Was she begrudging the hard work? I was unable to engage her in those questions at the time. I was way to self focused. I watched from afar for awhile and them my curiosity got the best of me. I got the camera and shot some pictures from the house and then closer and closer until I was on the hill with them. Pete helped Emily with the harder parts and then after placing the bunny in the ground, Emily covered it with dirt and we prayed and thanked God for the blessing Emily's pet had been to her. We had buried Rebekah's bird where you see the cross in the picture, months before. We have started our own little cemetary on the hill. It is a place to remember Gods blessings to us in the love of pets and to realize life is sometimes hard. It is a gift from God that we can share our joys and sorrows with each other and with Him. Grief is to be lived out, never hidden or put on a shelf. If we don't engage it, it will plague us until we do. IICorinthians 1:3-5 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our trouble, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

God's provision is perfect as always. Through it he allows us to have the privilege of caring for others.

Beginning

I just made this blog. Really didn't care much about having one until now. It's not that I didn't think about it, just that I never really wanted to take the time to set it up and wondered if I would really use it. I am still not sure if I really will, but I have not been able to journal or write since Mom died and I thought maybe now I might be ready to try. It just seems my words really never match the essence of my feelings. Anyway, here it is.
Today, is January 26th. I have been out and about in the below 0 weather this morning and now I am home in the warm, quiet house. I love when I have these moments. It is a time when I often talk to God and am able to listen to what He has to say to me. Many people don't know what it is like to have those moments or even try never to have those moments. It can be a very convicting time.
One of the other things I love to do in these quiet times is scrapbook. The winter months lend themselves well to getting caught up a little on my books. I am trying to finish my book of our trip to Virginia almost two years ago, so I can be ready to do our Germany trip when we get back in April. I plan to do that book digitally. That will be a new adventure.
Anyway, just a short note for today. I am looking forward to a place to write what is in my heart as it is revealed. Have a great day in the Lord.